Years have passed by and I’m finally writing again… feels quite surreal and really don’t know where to start from.. the topmost in my mind is pregnancy right now and I suppose most of my posts or post will talk about that.. It’s been a challenging 3 years.. ttc.. doctors.. tests.. quite a rigmarole..but the fact that I’m almost halfway in the pregnancy makes it all worth it.. people try for 10 years or more sometimes and I consider myself quite lucky that it’s worked in just around 3 years..
It’s getting to the 20 weeks mark soon.. and scares me like nobody’s business..scared because it reminds me of the nightmare 4 years ago.. 5/5/2011 was the day I delivered my little boy.. and lost him.. he was just about 20 weeks and few days… It still comes back to me.. the day we visited the doc for the 20 week scan..
20 weeks marks halfway of the pregnancy.. and we were content and happy and excited as we knew this was the day we will know our little one`s gender.. And “it’s a boy” said the doctor..we were elated and decided to keep this as our little secret and let it be a surprise for the family… little did we know that they would know too in just a week..
At 20 weeks one is enjoying the pregnancy..able to eat well.. away from all the nausea and way past the initial 12 week miscarriage fear.. and that was exactly me at that  point..enjoying the pregnancy apart from some insomnia..
A few days later on a Sunday… I began getting cramps on the lower abdomen.. I’ve read in the babycentre forums that its normal in general for a pregnant woman to get abdominal cramps.. as long as there’s no discharge involved.. By Monday night, I realized the cramps became more painful… but they were also timely which I never realized.. I did inform the doctor and he said “just rest it out”.. then there was discharge and then bleeding.. of course the next thing was to rush to the hospital..
The cramps were contractions and that meant the cervix had dilated and I was about 5 openings already.. too late to do a cerclage.. but there was 50% chance that they could stop the contractions.. 50% possibility that the pains don’t stop.. I dilate fully and baby will come down.. The latter happened.. with all the meds.. the contractions did not stop.. 5 days of hospitalization and bed rest later.. when the midwives came to check heartbeat of baby.. it was faint.. the doctor was called and he checked and confirmed that as suspected baby had come down… and it was time to now deliver… he asked us if we wanted a neospecialist around… after much consideration and discussion the answer was no… We did not want to see our baby suffer… and worse after putting him through tubes and then not surviving would have been a bigger heartbreak.. so he was delivered and he passed in few minutes.. he was put in the crib next to me.. tall little one.. beautiful long fingers and toes..
After 3 long years my Angel has come back to me… and I can’t be more grateful… it doesn’t matter what gender the baby is going to be.. as long as baby is healthy and stays with me till full term… is my utmost prayer this pregnancy…
We’re 21 weeks today and all is well.. babies are great.. moving and wriggling away… I still don’t feel the kicks too hard, but can’t wait to get that real hard punch and kicks 🙂 some people complain but well to me its just the most heavenly feeling..
Expression of Thought 